BABY BOOMERS AND ADDICTION: THE FASTEST GROWING POPULATION
A woman enters my office disheveled, thin, mid forties, with hollow eyes. It is as if the sparkle in her eyes ceased to exist a very long time ago. She tells me she has been drinking and is using methamphetamines. I am not surprised to hear this because lately my practice has been filled with middle aged baby boomers seeking help for their serious addictions. Whether it is alcohol, cocaine, crack, methamphetamines, pain killers, heroine, or smoking marijuana, many have crossed the line into addiction. Their lives have become unmanageable and they have lost their ability to control their use. Some believe they can just cut down, but as addiction specialists, we know it is impossible once you have crossed that invisible line into dependency. One of their defense mechanisms is “denial” so they can still continue their love affair with drugs or alcohol. Addiction is the only disease that tells them in the most insidious of ways, “I don't have a problem or disease.” It can be very difficult treating someone who doesn't think they have a problem. However, on some level this particular woman who landed in my office may already know an issue exists, but can't bare to admit it.
So what brings this middle aged woman into see me with such desperation on her face? Her husband has told her if she doesn't stop using, he will leave her and take the children with him. She tells me she can't imagine not using meth. “It gives me energy to deal with my four kids and keeps my weight down.” I am sure it might be hard to believe that someone in middle age, a soccer mom and a wife feels this way. It is no longer teenagers or urban minorities taking the lead, although there still is an epidemic of young addicts out there. These all American business men, stay at home moms, career women and even the elderly are filling the treatment centers and therapists offices and some, never make it. In a recent study, it was revealed that drug deaths from illicit drug over doses had risen 800 per cent since 1980. One of the fastest growing abuses is pain killers with suburbia filled with these individuals. It has long been known that there are many reasons for the abuse, but for the middle aged the reasons may be not only the genetic predisposition, but as a buffer to numb the pain of divorce, un-employment, an empty nest, retirement, trauma or illness. Depression may be one of the biggest culprits to addiction, with it being the highest amongst the ages of 45 to 60.
The “free love” generation of “sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll” has taken a turn; many would have never expected drug addiction to be their legacy. Often long standing drug abusers find when the marijuana stops working; they often go to stronger drugs. For some it is losing their children, a job, a spouse, or homelessness that leads them to seek help.
If you think you have a problem or know someone who does, contact a therapist, psychiatrist, and or chemical dependency counselor to assess the problem. You can also call one of your local alcohol or narcotics anonymous offices for resources. There are 12 step meetings going on all day every day. However, if the addiction or alcohol abuse is serious enough, a detox, a residential treatment center, or a dual diagnosis program may be the best treatment. A dual diagnosis program works with patients who have not only an addiction, but a mental illness, as well. The detox may be medically necessary and should always be assessed and treated. Some of the signs of chemical dependency include tolerance, which is a need for increased amounts of the substance to get the desired effect, withdrawal symptoms, a persistent desire to cut down or control the substance but can't, spending lots of time obtaining the substance, continued use despite psychological or physical problems. And finally, social, occupational, and or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of the substance use.
There are many professionals out there to help. Just like the women who entered my office confused and ambivalent, a first step was taken in her battling the disease and beginning the recovery process.
CELEBRITY WORSHIP: ADOLESCENTS NEWEST ADDICTION
A frantic mother of a 15 year old daughter of a local suburban neighborhood tells her therapist that her daughter has quit the cheerleading squad, no longer dreams of college and becoming a lawyer, and her childhood friends have been replaced with friends she has never met. Her daughter has been isolating, reading all the latest celebrity gossip magazines, and becoming more rebellious at home. Clearly her daughter is pulling away which can be one of the hallmarks of addiction, depression, or an adolescent trying to form an identity. When you think of addiction, you think of drugs, alcohol, or even an eating disorder. What about the newest addiction teenagers are being struck with called “Celebrity Addiction.” One third of Americans are being struck with this phenomenon which is linked to depression, anxiety, body-image problems, and addiction.
In no way is this author comparing the ravages of substance abuse to celebrity worship, but rather it looks at today's teenagers with a different set of eyes. According to recent studies, many teenagers today believe that emulating the lifestyle of their favorite celebrity is one of the only ways to form an identity and if they don't reach the same level of stardom, they will become “nobody.” There is a dramatic shift in the way teenagers perceive success. In fact, research reveal teenagers would rather surround themselves with celebrities or become one, rather than becoming a more intelligent human being. In addition, it is showing that having these fantasy relationships with a celebrity stimulates the production of opiods, chemicals in our brain, that make us feel better. It is no wonder we are raising a generation of adolescents, for example, who would rather become a famous actress like Paris Hilton rather than a presidential nominee like Hillary Clinton.
This type of value system was seen in the Grammy's this year. You have to wonder what it means when musician Amy Whitehouse is singing “No, No, No” refusing to go to rehab to deal with a drug addiction becomes a huge Grammy winner. More recently she was in the news with reports she has the first stages of emphysema? What does this tell our teenagers? Teens are now not only mimicking the clothes, jewelry, and cosmetics celebrities use, but now see addiction as glamorous. Joanne Barron, National Outreach Director for Insight treatment center for adolescents says, “Unfortunately too often what we see or hear about celebrities has to do with a lifestyle of excess—smoking, drinking or drug use, constant parties and sexually acting out.”
This is not necessarily new in popular culture. Many musicians and actors have died tragic deaths from addiction and many more will die in the continuing drug epidemic. Musician, Janis Joplin, glamorized drugs in the 1960's dying at 27 of a drug overdose. And what about Timothy Leary and his famous quote, “Turn on, Tune In, Drop out.” Last year we viewed a barrage of specials portraying the very disturbing life of Anna Nicole Smith. Her life was viewed more times than true news worthy stories.
Adolescence is often a time of soul searching and finding an identity. It can also be a very vulnerable and impressionable time. However, today's identity formation has crossed the line. Teen idolization is even turning into a medical issue. Teens are undergoing surgery to have lips like Angelina Jolie and carving dimples in their chins to look like John Travolta. Has the media gone too far? “Whether we like it or not, celebrities are role models for teens. For many years we have seen the influence of pop culture on our youth. Ever since television and movies became main stream in America, teens have tried to emulate the speech, dress and behavior of their favorite celebrities,” says Barron.
Scientists have found a correlation with celebrity worship and depression and anxiety. Which comes first, the proverbial chicken or the egg or does it matter? Does depression lead to addiction or does addiction lead to depression. The bottom line is there has been an epidemic of teenagers that believe they are entitled to become famous and will become famous during the course of their lives. Teens believe becoming famous is a cure all for all of life's challenges. Our society is in midst of raising a generation of narcissists whose only sense of self is around entitlement and becoming famous. Healthy relationships will be replaced with illusory celebrity relationships that lack intimacy and real connections to others and teens will continue to seek temporary relief from substance abuse and celebrity worship to ward off the pain that normal adolescence brings.
Of course, there are numerous causes of addiction such as trauma, a genetic predisposition, peer pressure, or a divorce or significant loss in a loved one's family. One of the other difficulties many adolescents face today besides addiction is eating disorders. Television, Hollywood, magazines, and the internet portray slender women much more often than the majority of women with normal body types. They then develop distorted images of what a body should be based on by what the celebrities portray. “Once these idolized perceptions are accepted as truth, thought distortions may develop, which can lead adolescent girls into self destructive behaviors such as eating disorders, self-injurious behaviors, excessive exercising and other destructive behaviors,” reports Buck Runyan, the COO of the Center for Discovery, an eating disorder program.
How can we prevent our teens from idolizing these tragic figures of fantasy and deception? How can we reduce substance abuse and eating disorders amongst teens? Having self-esteem is one of the buzz words of this century. Lack of self-esteem can increase the odds that your teen will look for numbing out methods to suppress their discomfort, pain, frustration, and pain during this time. When a child is comfortable in their own skin, they can reach inward for well being and strength rather than becoming reliant on outside sources to dull their senses. Having an open dialogue with your teen without judgment or criticism, allows your teen to feel more comfortable sharing issues such as substance abuse, peer pressure, and sex with you. They will feel heard and understood which will allow them to trust you with their deepest demons. Otherwise, they look for validation somewhere else joining groups or gangs where drugs and alcohol is the norm.
Another solution to this growing epidemic might be getting to know our neighbors more closely to feel part of a community rather than having to look outside our neighborhoods for a sense of belonging. Creating deeper bonds within our own circles might alleviate the need to search outside for validation. If your teen does, however, show signs such as isolation, eating habit changes, depression, excessive sleep, or new acting out behavior, seek the professional help you need. This could be signs of an addiction or eating disorder and a professional can assess if there is truly a serious problem erupting. Celebrity addiction is not nearly as dangerous as a drug or alcohol addiction; however, it is another way your teen may be avoiding what is really going on in their life. Celebrity addiction can prevent or delay your teen from forming his or her own identity and instead emulate a false self of one of their favorite idols never developing a true core self, which we all want to develop.
ADOLESCENTS AND LOVE ADDICTION
A 16 year old adolescent enters my office depressed and anxious with signs of chaos at home and in her personal relationships. Her mother has brought her in because she has been acting out with self destructive behaviors and expressing she feels a profound feeling of “emptiness” and “abandonment.” Her boyfriend has recently rejected her breaking off their very intense six month relationship, which has left her in a tailspin. Her mother is concerned with her recent behaviors such as isolation, withdrawal from her friends, skipping school, poor grades, and possibly traits of an eating disorder. In addition, her parents have recently separated leaving her parents mostly emotionally unavailable dealing with their own set of problems.
Adolescence is a time when hormonal levels spike and infatuations can easily develop. However, at times these infatuations can turn into what is termed a “love addiction.” Love addiction is being in an un-healthy relationship as a way for a troubled teen to cope with feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, abandonment, and a way to fulfill un-met needs from an earlier developmental stage.
This particular adolescent is particularly vulnerable due to the havoc of her parent's divorce and feeling invisible at home as a result. However, this is also a time when adolescents are breaking away from their families of origin and developing autonomy, individuality, and social skills. However, not having the safety and security of a home environment can leave an adolescent feeling lost and susceptible to peer pressure, promiscuity, drug or alcohol addiction, co-dependency, and a harmful addiction to a relationship. The relationship serves as a numbing out measure to deal with all of the adolescent's un-resolved issues. It is an attempt to find something external to fix the un-bearable emotional pain and discomfort of growing up in an un-healthy family or feeling ostracized from their peers. By grabbing onto the next best thing to make them feel whole and fulfilled, it is in-sufferable to imagine life without this other person. It is as if this other person represents the fix and euphoria drugs bring to the addict. It has also been shown that there are chemical changes in the brain of a love addict. These fused relationships are a way of satisfying a thirst for security and a sense of belonging and losing this love object is seen as excruciating.
Unlike a healthy relationship where there are boundaries, trust, and a feeling of security and safety, the love addict's relationship is filled with obsession, jealousy, possessiveness, intense anxiety, and a feeling of always wanting more and never having enough of their love object's attention. The adrenalin rush of these relationships causes intense withdrawal symptoms when the relationship ends just like the dope fiend who needs his drugs. They are in continuous search for that next high replacing healthy intimacy with an un-healthy need for another relationship to make them feel whole. This leaves a love addict vulnerable to staying in relationships at any costs even when they can jeopardize their safety and security. Often these relationships can be both physically and emotionally abusive. If an adolescents falls prey to these types of harmful relationships this can lead to a pattern of needy and clingy attachments in the future. In addition, they may not only continue to be love addicts, but may use other anesthetizing behaviors such as drug and alcohol addictions, eating disorders, self-mutilation, and/or other risky sexual behavior to avoid the discomfort they feel in their own skin.
It is imperative parents communicate with their teens about these issues, as well as values and beliefs related to sexuality, healthy/un-healthy relationships, boundaries, be good role models, and seek professional help if necessary. Parents need to be diligent to the warning signs of an adolescent suffering from a love addiction and place close attention to their behaviors and if anything seems to be out of the ordinary, not to go into denial, but to face the problem head on.
PARENTING TIPS
1. Open dialogue with teens.
2. Utilize teachable moments such as watching television together or during meals to discuss difficult subjects.
3. Role model a healthy relationship.
4. Monitor their time on the internet including their activities such as My Space and who they are in contact with.
5. Look for the signs and symptoms such as depression, anxiety, mood swings, and self-destructive behaviors.
MINDFULNESS THERAPY: PSYCHOTHERAPY FOR THE SOUL
A middleaged woman is feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed and hopeless- depleted of all of her energy. She explains to her doctor that she's been having these feelings of self-doubt and is desperate to turn back the clock to a time in her 20s and 30s when she knew she was beautiful, thin and revered.
She's tried everything including Pilates, energy healing, life coaching, herbal remedies, hypnotherapy, Reiki, and has visited an array of holistic spas and retreats. Yet she continues to feel chronic emptiness and impending doom, a sickness of the soul.
No doubt the alternative treatments were effective and initially brought her a sense of renewal and energy. But soon her feelings of worthlessness and the despair over her lost youth return. This time she turns to "learning mindfulness" and "acceptance skills."
The mindfulness and acceptance method employs both Western and Zen philosophies. The technique encourages clients to make changes to the behaviors that are keeping them from experiencing a more fulfilling life. Clients learn to become accepting of themselves while being mindful of the present. They're able to see reality without denial. Mindfulness and acceptance skills encourage a woman to honor her present attributes with grace and dignity while, at the same time, attaining skills necessary to redirect other, more destructive messages.
The rush of society Too often we are so busy with our lives, multitasking while rushing to the next appointment, that we get caught up in the "doing" rather than the "being." We forget to stop and take a pause from our daily rituals to live in the present. We are a society that lives in our heads, often focused on judgments and obsessions about ourselves and others. We focus on what we think life should be like, how much money we should have, what type of job we should hold, what type of car we should be driving and where we should be living. These endless judgments and longings keep us stuck in a continuous cycle of neediness and insecurity.
Our desires can take over our entire existence as we focus on how we want things to be, leaving very little energy for accepting things as they are. True freedom can only exist when we take that sacred pause and experience the "here and now." It is only then that true insight can blossom and flourish.
A different path
Psychotherapy that incorporates mindfulness and acceptance practices can help us identify those thought patterns and obsessions that leave us judging ourselves and others and wanting more when enough is never enough.
By not dealing with our inner pain we may engage in destructive behaviors such as binge eating, overspending, substance abuse, sexual addiction, gambling or entering into unhealthy relationships. These behaviors complement the cycle of self-loathing and self-judgment that creates a life filled with the same misery we were initially trying to avoid.
Learning mindfulness can be as formal as practicing meditation techniques such as progressive muscle relaxation, guided imagery or diaphragmatic breathing. It can be as informal as learning how to slow down from a hurried day by using conscious breathing techniques and mindfully experiencing the joy of just being present. These skills teach us how to live in the here and now.
Learning mindfulness teaches us that we can feel centered anytime and anywhere. And when we are in balance, we tend to be less reactive or impulsive, which allows us to make more skillful and effective decisions in our daily lives.
Help is nearby
When we become aware of our pain and old wounds it is not uncommon for insecurities and feelings of grief, fear and guilt to arise. This is when a trained psychotherapist can help by providing us with support, validation and acknowledgment. We learn new ways to cope and develop a keen awareness of alternate perspectives and new ways to respond to our feelings. Although mindfulness skills are born out of a spiritual realm, it has become popular in psychotherapy practices because it works.
Clients who regularly practice mindfulness skills are better able to regulate their emotional states, prevent relapses and become more equipped to tolerate stress and solve the problems of daily life.
| GUIDED VISUALIZATION: DISCOVER YOUR FUTURE SELF |
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A client enters my office full of fear, self-doubt, and ambivalence about her present relationship. She has spent years vacillating between staying with her boyfriend and breaking up with him. She seems to have this “inner knowing” that she must move on but her fears keep her in the relationship.
Now she is beginning to have not only emotional issues but physical symptoms, as well. She states she is having panic attacks that are making her life unmanageable and unbearable. We explore whether or not these panic attacks could be a sign that she may not be living truthfully. We talk about the fact that this gut level pain may be an inner wisdom or knowing that it is truly time to make the move, face the fear, and to live more fully and authentically.
She decides to embark on a journey of Guided Visualization as a tool to get her where she wants to go…a life of peace, serenity, and purpose. She decides to use it as a way to tap into her most inner truths that consciously she has not been able to experience.
Guided Visualization can also be called Guided Imagery or Guided Meditation. Often we get stuck believing that if we don't “meditate perfectly” we won't reach enlightenment or experience any type of moving spiritual experience.
There are many forms of meditating rituals, from chanting to breathing exercises. One can light candles and incense to meditating on prayer beads or in nature. All of these meditations can work with there not being one right way to meditate. We no longer need to take the journey to Tibet to practice Guided Imagery or mediation.
Guided Visualization is just one method of meditating. It can include all the senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and feeling. Imagery describes the intertwining of sensory awareness with a perceptual experience.
When these two forces are combined, a total relaxation state of awareness becomes possible. This allows for insights to be realized and solutions to be resolved which might not have been possible in the conscious mind.
Guided visualizations can take many forms including using a script, buying a CD with someone else's calming voice to guide them through the meditation or hiring an instructor who specializes in guided visualizations. Often hypnotherapists, psychotherapists, or spiritual healers can help guide this process.
Another form of guided visualizations can be repeating positive affirmations that are statements designed to counteract negative thinking. In essence, it is a type of positive self-talk to help eliminate the negative messages and thoughts often we tell ourselves that are usually false and have no basis in reality.
A popular acronym used to describe this type of faulty thinking is “FEAR” (False Evidence Appearing Real). In other words, most likely, our thoughts are just that, thoughts, and a story need not be attached to these thoughts.
Often individuals with eating disorders, substance abuse, anxiety, and other addictions struggle with these types of self-deprecating thinking. Positive affirmations allow them to replace these self-defeating thoughts.
For example, make a list of positive affirmations and say them out loud or post them on a sticky note pad and place them throughout the house or wherever they will get noticed often. Transforming these negative thoughts is a powerful tool for change.
Examples of positive affirmations to combat anxious, obsessive, or fearful thoughts might look like this: “I am learning to consciously and mindfully choose what I think and I chose thoughts that are supportive and beneficial to me.”
Another affirmation might be “I am learning to let go of fears” or “I will deal with this one day at a time and I do not need to get attached to this story I have created.” Other affirmations might be intuitive or have a spiritual dimension such as “I can provide a space and holding place in my mind that transcends fear to a place of faith and fulfillment” or “No matter what has happened in the past, I can surrender to a spirit that is providing with me renewal and healing for my highest good.” Or, “I am grateful to all the experiences in my life that have shaped me to be the person I am today.”
Believing in these affirmations is sacred, personal and divine and anyone is capable of creating their own positive affirmations to meet the needs of their own personal journey. The woman with the panic attacks might create an affirmation such as “Each day I am gaining more confidence in myself and I can handle any situation or decision that comes my way.” Perhaps this affirmation can help her see that she is capable of making powerful changes in her life; even ones that are painful, such as letting go of a relationship that is no longer working.
All of these tools such as guided visualization, guided meditation, and positive affirmations allow anyone to tap into their own powerful mind. These experiences are the ultimate connection between mind, body, and spirit. It is a perfect example of how positive self-talk works or what some New Age individuals might call the “Law of Attraction.” The more energy concentrated on a particular thought such as fear, the more that thought will draw circumstances where fear is present. If we expend more energy on positive thoughts, most likely we will draw into our lives outcomes that are more positive.
Guided Visualization has become a mainstream phenomenon. It has been used in schools, hospitals, government settings and in the corporate world.
Guided Visualizations has been known to not only reduce stress, but can also boost the immune system, treat mental health, substance abuse and medical problems such as lowering blood pressure and stress hormones in the blood, reduce severe symptoms of pain, insomnia, or help someone cope with a life threatening illness. Although the illness may be permanent, Guided Visualizations can help change the attitude from suffering to one of peace and serenity to help eliminate the struggle.
Guided Visualizations can also be used to make major lifestyle changes such as quitting smoking or losing weight. It can be the antidote to promote wellness and optimize overall health. It can be utilized to improve one's success at a job, reduce phobias such as fear of flying, driving freeways or public speaking. In fact, this author used a guided visualization to get over the anxiety and stress of taking a licensing exam and it worked!
Guided visualizations can take us on a mysterious journey to where we want to go or to where we dare to dream. We can discover what our real purpose is and what we have come here to do.
By letting go and surrendering to such a profound level of deep relaxation, all of our inner wisdom and inner knowing can surface up so that we may be able to live the life we have never thought possible. However, Guided Visualizations is only the first step. We must also take the action and do the footwork focusing on achieving what it is we long for.
The following are some simple strategies to follow when practicing a Guided Visualization.
1. Set your goal.
2. Breathe.
3. Be present and show up fully.
4. Establish intention and energy as to what you desire.
5. Practice. Practice. Practice.
As one anonymous writer once said, “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Chose your words for they become actions, for they become habits. Study your habits, for they become your character. Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
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LIFE COACHES PROVIDE ALTERNATIVES TO THERAPY
A woman is depressed and anxious following a recent divorce; another is more hopeful in the aftermath of her split and wants to move on with her life. Should these women see a therapist or a life coach, or perhaps both?
In former days, such topics were primarily the purview of the church or synagogue. But with advances in the field of psychotherapy, women's options grew. While psychotherapy must follow certain guidelines from state to state, life coaching can be facilitated anywhere. Life coaching can keep individuals and employees motivated and accountable and help them find a more fulfilling and purposeful life.
Life coaches and therapists serve different purposes. The therapist is the person who is sought out for the healing of old wounds and the discussion of personal problems that need to be analyzed and solved. The life coach, on the other hand, is both mentor and guide.
"So much therapy is about the past and present and all about focusing the client toward healing. Coaching, on the other hand, is about helping a client look forward to expand their options and to take action," according to Leslie Lupinsky, a master certified coach.
Getting better every day
Life coaching is not so much about fixing a problem but rather helping a client escape their comfort zone. It is about the creation of a future self.
A life coach starts with the assumption that a client is already whole.
"I love coactive coaching because I am dancing in the moment now," said Hozhoin Healing Arts' Pati Maez, a co-active coach.
To select coaching means to consciously choose a preferred future and live life to its fullest. As Maez tells her clients, "Go be the best that you are now."
Coaching does not focus on what needs mending but clarifies what the client wants to improve upon, whether it is their career, their relationship, their health or their spirituality.
Leslie Gail, a life coach and owner of New Life Focus Coaching, acknowledges that "If you are committed to making some life changes but need guidance and information to make it a reality, then working with a life coach is your best bet."
Coaches ask clients what they really want out of life. They see coaching as an alliance between the coach and client, with the belief that there's a partnership of equals in the process of coaching. Life coaches use the "co-active" model, which states that a client is already a naturally creative and resourceful whole.
Gary Yoon, a life coach client, said, "Coaching demands us to be the person we were created to be, not just for ourselves but for others as well. When we hide that part of ourselves, others can't benefit from the beautiful gifts and talents we already have."
Another client, Mary Copek, used coaching to help her cope with grief after her husband's sudden death.
"I truly wanted to grieve as necessary but to balance that right from the start with a positive plan for my future," Copek said.
"Coaching allowed me the freedom to cry and even in the same breath consider the new opportunities that lay before me."
In essence, there's room for both life coaching and psychotherapy. When issues are more serious or are out of a coach's scope of practice, a life coach will refer a client for outside psychotherapy.
Psychotherapists are highly trained to deal with mental illness, thoughts of suicide, addictions, abuse and other difficult problems. A client in these circumstances needs proper evaluation and treatment.
Psychotherapy is about eliminating problems and making changes in order to live a more functional life. Life coaching focuses on the beauty that already lies within.
What happens when a mom faces her demons on national television?
Nikki McGibbon, mom of one and American Idol veteran, made her "Celebrity Rehab" debut last night. Nikki told "Us" that she did cocaine with her mother one night, and her mom died just hours later. This has only fueled her drug and alcohol use. She also revealed that Simon Cowell's constant criticism drove her deeper into depression.
Momlogic spoke to Sherry Gaba, the psychotherapist and life coach who worked with McGibbon on "Celebrity Rehab," for some insight
Momlogic: What surprised you about celeb rehab?
Sherry Gaba: They work a really hard program. I was impressed by how hard they worked.
ML: Why does substance abuse seem so common in celebrities?
SG: There can be many reasons -- it can be genetics, pressure, low self-esteem or they can be highly sensitive people.
ML: What element of celebrity contributes to it?
SG: The pressure of staying in the limelight and keeping up the fame and success. People in general who end up being celebrities need a lot of attention -- drug addicts need a lot of attention and needing attention goes with not feeling good about themselves.
ML: What do you think made Nikki go over the edge?
SG: The disappointment -- not staying on the same level. I think being on "American Idol" was just so hard -- to be out there so big and then to just drop off.
“Tis the Season to Find a New Perspective Under the Christmas Tree”
As the holiday season un-folds with busy malls hustling and bustling with couples holding hands and buying special gifts for one another, there are many single people out there feeling left out from the holiday cheer. The season brings out that doom and gloom that there are no future dates on the horizon and New Years Eve will spent again alone watching time square drop the ball with your pet, although that doesn’t sound too bad. For starters, remember those mushy couples you see holding hands, they are the same couple that bicker, scream, and throw candy canes at each other, but it is your perception that is out of whack. With Santa almost down your chimney, you need to have a shift in perspective. Everything you have believed about the holidays can be viewed in a whole new light including your thoughts about dating, attending holiday gatherings, your self image, spiritual beliefs, and even patterns of behavior that might be contributing to your being a singleton.
Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
For starters, if you plan on forgoing any of those holiday invitations because you don’t have someone to go with, go anyway. You never know who might be there. You certainly won’t have the possibility of a date sitting home watching old Seinfeld episodes. Parties give you the opportunity to show off that unique personality you have. Make sure you tell the hosts in advance you will be coming by yourself and they can invite other singles for you to meet. Also, let everyone at the party know you are single. They too may have phone numbers to give you for future dating opportunities of Mr. or Mrs. Right.
Create New Traditions
Maybe this season it is time to shake things up a bit and stop doing the same old thing expecting different results. For example, visit a holiday food pantry and feed the homeless, visit a nursing home, or join a group of singles to do charity work with, such as the national group, “Single Volunteers.” So what if that 90 year old at the nursing home drools all over you? There is no better place to meet a likeminded soul mate who is also into giving to others. Not to mention, feeling grateful for the fullness of your life after seeing how other less fortunate people live on a daily basis. Maybe your mother was right after all, when making you finish all your vegetables while telling you stories about the starving people in third world countries. Or maybe this year is all about you…..taking that cruise, club med vacation, skiing in Switzerland, or having a Zen season while meditating in the Tibetan mountains. If you really want to bring soul into your life, visit a local church or synagogue or just take the time to reflect what the holidays are truly about. If you are feeling adventuresome, join a singles group such as the Sierra Club or Athletic Singles, and maybe, you will be gliding down the slopes with the love of your life in spite of everything.
Change Old Dating Habits and Behaviors
Stop seeing dating as a hunt for a serious relationship but rather an opportunity to get to know some new people. Dating means exactly that, “dating”. In other words, it is the time to get to know someone’s likes, dislikes, flaws, baggage, their values or lack of them, and whether or not this person is a match. So often, you feel pressured to impress someone on that first date, as if it is your last date ever. You end up trying to impress them rather than being the charming person you really are. People can smell fakeness a mile away. They can see right through you. Sure it is o.k. to throw out those 90’s clothes for some new ones, but be you. People really dig someone who knows who they are, what they want, and how they are going to get it. . You might even show that vulnerable side. Get them to talk by asking provocative questions about themselves. But, please, don’t ask them to have a baby with you on the first date. Most of all stop focusing on one person during the holidays but date multiple people. I don’t mean at the same time, but know that the law of averages always works. The more you date, the better your chances are of finding true love.
Finding your True Self
Maybe the holidays are a time to appreciate being single. Maybe you are feeling the over 30 pressure where everyone around you is getting married and planning honeymoons. Perhaps your self esteem needs a face lift. Have you forgotten about all your strengths, sensitivity, generosity, and intelligence? Perhaps you have been trying so hard to be someone you are not and that special person hasn’t seen the deeper qualities you possess. During the holidays, it is a great time to reflect on what type of person you want rather than what type of person would want you. Maybe you have been looking in all the wrong places and they are right under your nose. You are so busy living on auto pilot and driving fast and furiously, that you are missing who is standing in front of you.
Finally, stop having expectations and getting attached to the outcome this holiday season. Surrender to the fact you are not in the results business, but rather in the “living” business. Stop pushing up stream and let the holidays be what they are designed to be. Let them un-fold as they are supposed to un-fold and there just might be someone waiting for you under the mistletoe.
Single Parents- Find Joy During the Holiday Season (Please)
The holidays singularly create more angst than any other time of the year. Expectations are either inflated, deflated or shot down before they can even stand up. We all come to the holiday table with a sense of how we wish it was; some years it works out and some years it doesn't.
For those who wanted a Happy Days or Cleaver Family Christmas, disappointment can reign supreme, if only for the fact that our families look so different now than they did in the fifties. Resetting our ideas of what the holiday should be really does start with what you create for yourself. Often, creating tradition helps in having it when you want it the next year. Rituals are a big part of this, as Incubator member Sherry Gaba discovered.
-Amy Swift, Editor in Chief, Ladies Who Launch
I remember the time I made the paradigm shift of truly having gratitude for the holidays as a single parent. It had always been a time of loneliness, sadness, isolation, grief and loss. The emotional pain of being without my daughter's father and celebrating it alone was just too much to bear. I was still in victim mode and was blaming HIM for my fate. Although, seeing my daughters face light up during the un-wrapping of the gifts ritual or lighting the candles certainly was joyful, after that I may just as well have gone back to bed. This was not the Brady Bunch family I wished for!!!
The shift began when I stopped being the victim and created new rituals for me and my daughter. When I began to create new traditions, I was off and running. Once I forgave HIM and gave myself the compassion and allowed myself to grieve the past pain, I could finally move forward. I began to give myself the tenderness and love that I so desperately seeked from others. I let go of the many stories I created in my head of what the holidays were supposed to look like and created new holiday rituals for the family I had. I was in complete gratitude. I lived each breath, minute, and day at a time while watching others spin out at of control at the crowded malls or preparing for lavish gatherings for family and friends. I was no longer in auto pilot, but rather became an outsider observing with curiosity all the frenzy others were experiencing. I felt a sudden peace wash over me as I realized the holidays are what we make it. It can be a time of stress or grieving over what once was or it can be a time of honoring ourselves and who we are at this very moment it time, right now, with all its ups and downs, and ebbs and flows.
These were some of the new rituals I begin to take part it.
Donated to shelters and celebrated the holiday spirit by feeding the homeless and making goodie bags for the abused and neglected children. Began to journal and reflect on the last year and made resolutions with clarity for the new year.
Made a gratitude list of what I was grateful for and the abundance I had flowing in my life right now. I allowed my daughter to get involved in the process of how she wanted to celebrate the holidays with me or with her father if it was his time to be with her.
Her father and I came up with solutions so our daughter could feel safe wherever she was. He created a sacred personal space for her when she was away from her home with me.
I joined a support group to make friends and to be able to relate to others going through the same thing. It was one of the most healing things I ever did. I didn't feel so alone anymore when I watched two parent families celebrate the holidays. I created my own network of support.
I allowed my child to be the child and not the "little adult." It was not her responsibility to make the holidays o'k for me. Even I was celebrated without her, she needed to know I was going to be o'k and so was she.
Take the time this holiday season to slow down, take a deep breath of joy, let out a breath of gratitude, and greet the past with compassion and the future with awe and with the knowing that endless possibilities await you and your family next year and forever!!!
For any thoughts, comments, or to set up a life coaching session, contact Sherry at sgabatherapy.com/ or 818-756-3338.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/amy-swift/ladies-who-launchem_b_77413.html
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